I brought up as a self-isolating alone kid. My parents did their best, and I had brothers but I have bad traits of only child. Not used to care or give up something for someone. I keep trying to hold tight things in my little hand, and doesn’t let go. Like somebody’s gonna take it away from me next moment. I had unusually strong ego which is much lighter now. However, this ego is still strong enough to jeopardize all of my relationships. I’ve been barely able to communicate or share true feeling with others. Insensitive-there it is. I’m very sensitive with my own feelings but not others.
I feel I’m a very screwed up being. Am I really that bad or is he too harsh. What he says is I should be gone if I don’t want to try hard to death like he does? What can be accepted as human faults and what cannot?
My pressure is I should not be myself to stay in this relationship.
What’s my goal for life. Short-term, I want to stack up money as much as I can, while I can. Lots of reasons. In this foreign country, I’ve been through close-to-homeless situation, and he broke up with me and kept asking me get out of the apartment. How painful was it? I seriously thought about suicide for the first time in my life. This decisive man can end up with me again once he decide to. If it happens again, no money, no him. I can’t go through it twice. Money seems to be more solid for my survival. It feels my huge insecurity which has been widened while living alone far away from family.
I don’t feel I can rely on him. He wasn’t happy when I said money is the only thing I can rely on in this country, but yes. I’m paranoid of being left alone again. Once it happened, it can happen again. Money at least doesn’t go by its own will. He can.
